Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

-Dale Turner-

Friday, February 19, 2010

Poo: Things to know


"I need to pee" is code for - "I need to poo",  " I need to rearrange my tampon",  "I'm drunk
and need to txt everyone I know", "I'm hoping that if I'm in here for too long you'll leave because I don't like you", "I need to go vomit up that cake I just ate".

Ratemypoo.com is only funny until a certain point.

Walking out of an unflushed, broken or smelly toilet cubicle ALWAYS implies that you've done it... and don't lie - you have because if you didn't you would have gone to another one!

Running water whilst pooing (to muffle the sound) is NOT environmentally friendly and is dumb.  I suggest that you find a better strategy.  Some include - lining the toilet with toilet paper and making coughing/sneezing noises.


Farting whilst walking is a good idea except when someone follows you so make up a damn good excuse or walk fast.

Blaming the other person for farting when theres only two of you RARELY works unless they are stupid.  Blame someone else near by.  If there is nobody then say the place smells like something else and/or it was your shoes rubbing together that made a squeaking sound.

Farting and then asking someone "do you smell burning?" is a mean joke.

If you are farting in a room alone make sure nobody else is going to join you or make sure you turn on some fans.

If you feel the need to fart in an awkward sitatuion - improvise!  Some tips are:  Farting whilst at the gym (Press emergency stop on the machine and pretend to fix your shoe), Farting on a date (make a joke, say you ate something that didnt agree with you, blame the waiter), Farting in class (for fucks sake HOLD IT IN).


Assume that all grumpy people are on their period.  Males included.

NEVER wear a white dress/skirt/shorts etc when expecting your period.  That is asking for

Bike shorts and ridiculous clothing is appropriate when you are going on a sleep over and have your period.

When staying at a friend's house, make sure their bin has a toilet and if not ask them where you can dispose of dangerous things.  NEVER put waste in your bag or pocket unless completely necessary.  Forgetting it is there would be a DISASTER.

Do not demand chocolate and magazines from your boyfriend because you have period pain and think you deserve the attention.

Make sure the string is tucked in before going to the beach with a tampon on.

DO NOT wear a pad in the water.  It will float away or absorb water and make you look like you are wearing a nappy.

Period stains happen.  You can make up all the excuses you want as to why your pants have a brown stain on them but everyone already knows your secret!

Super tampons are for old ladies.


NEVER wear a "slim and lift" or body shaper on a date.  It gives a false image and if you end up sleeping with them they will know its a lie.

Make an effort but dont go too overboard.  Girls know that you're not actually going to pull the chair out everytime they go to sit on one.  We know guys wont follow us around on "chair alert" waiting for us to feel the desire to sit down.

Nobody is actually going to judge you on how much you eat.  Don't eat one carrot off your plate and say you're full when you are actually starving!


NEVER wear a "slim and lift" or body shaper when expecting to have sex.  It will be hilarious and ruin the mood.

Having sex on the beach should only ever be done in strict conditions.  Wind+sand+sex=REALLY BAD and you'll regret it.

Using the term "sexual intercourse" will make the other person burst into laughter or run away.

Apply body chocolate and flavoured massage oils carefully and sparingly.  It can get rather daunting if you have to spend 2 hours trying to lick it off.

Having sex on your period is never a good idea.

Girls dont actually like anal sex and know that it feels like taking dumps over and over again.  Porn lies!

ALWAYS be presentable down stairs and have good HYGIENE.  You dont want people to get within a 1 metre radius of your genitals and then bail out your window and off into the sunset.

DO NOT have sex on a squeaky bed whilst other people are in the house.  The floor or standing are both safer alternatives.  Nobody wants to hear!

Do NOT think of inside/personal jokes whilst having sex - EG: if their curtins remind you of your grandma's doilies do your very best to supress it and focus.

If hes got it all wrong to the point where hes hurting you or hes aiming half way down your leg DO suggest something else or physically move his hand/face/penis.

If you get chaffing, laugh about it afterwards because most of the time its usually worth it.

If hes truely terrible fake it so its over quickly but dont fake it too well or he'll think hes doing great and will never try any harder.

Other awkard situations.

Dear men, NEVER use deep heat as lube out of curiosity.  Not only did curiosity kill the cat but it will make your willy catch fire...  ACTUALLY!

If you find something you borrowed from someone 2 years ago, discretely try and hide is somewhere in their room when next at their house (under the bed is good).

When recieving a gift that you already own, make an effort to do your best "wow" face but dont over do it or they'll know.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER shave your eyebrows.

If a friend...or anyone.. has something on their face TELL THEM for fucks sake!  Once a lady at work had spinach in her hair and nobody told her.  They will be more humiliated knowing that nobody said anything.  Same goes with fountation.  Tell someone if they have lines! 

DO NOT spend time thinking too deeply about drunk chats with someone.... just assume that they were as drunk as you at the time and dont remember or pretend that you yourself do not remember.

If a friend owes you money don't be too anal.  I'm sure $30.00 is fine instead of $30.60.  Is the extra 60 cents actually gonna kill you?

When in the supermarket know that IT IS OK to purchase 1 apple.

When at a fast food restaurant and they ask "dine in or take away" nobody actually cares what you do.  If you say take away and then dine in you DO NOT have to take the rubbish away with you so it looks like you are taking the meal away.  Those people get paid $7 an hour so its the least of their worries.

NEVER shout at people out of your car window within 20 metres of a stop sign or traffic light.

Parking the wrong way in a parking lot (eg across 2 bays) is the dumbest thing ever. DONT EVER DO IT.

Telling people that you douche will instantly make you uncool.  Nobody does it.  Do not lavendar douche if you are allergic to lavendar.


Kate said...

a lot of these are very circumstantial or if you're just having one night stand... plus like, some guys won't have sex with a hairy chick, but some guys won't have sex with a vag that could belong to a ten year old :P. some guys will get put off by laughter and not being "focused", others will think you're the best person ever....
agree with a lot of this though

hehe p.s "make sure their bin has a toilet" .... next time i'm in your house i'll be sure to ask your mum :)

Fiona said...

i agree with so much of this. so funny, so very funny. especially the last bit. though i am tempted to try just to find out what happens....
i'm very glad you laid out the rules of toilet etiquette, as it is something you need to know.

Fiona said...

also it's not really related but i feel it must be known. in japan you can buy deodorant for your nipples

Kate said...

you should do a blog on things we can learn from various shows, like the IT crowd
when dating someone you discover looks like a magician, dump him immediately, unless he can successfully commit to becoming a magician.


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