Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

-Dale Turner-

Thursday, May 19, 2011

This beautiful mess.

Look at this world we have created.  It's beautiful is it not?  It's everything we had hoped it would be.  However the way we feel is not how we had planned.  What we have been through together is not how we would ever have pictured it to be.  I can't help but feel we see these faults in each other.  The beauty keeps us whole.. it propels us along and along every single time a speed bump is faced but despite the beauty, the darkness still lingers in the back of our minds.  Why did this happen?  How did this happen?

I used to wake up every day with your face in my head, so glad that it was there, so thankful.
You crossed my mind each hour and I was happy, so thankful to have you.

But there comes a point in every good dream where you realise you've missed something.
Everything in your perfect world, that ideal head space is corrupted.

The little bubble you've lived in has burst and the contents within spill out.
It is then the problem begins.
You question yourself over and over.

You think about everything over and over.
How could you have missed something is those eyes that glared into yours?

How could the deception have fooled you?
What was it you did wrong?
Why were you deserving of this?

This battle is the hardest to conquer and I'm not sure if I've got it right.  I think of you in the best of ways, I long for you as I always have done.  Your face still crosses my mind often but there's something inside myself that's different now; a personal battle, a hidden internal conflict.

It's not your fault that my mind battles the way it does.
Yours does it too.
I too have done things that have hurt you, the way you've hurt me.
There is no consolation for what we have done to one another.
And in a way its beautiful where we have ended up anyway.
But I have this problem my love, this one I can't seem to fix in any way...
I can't seem to free myself from this internal conflict.
I can't seem to get the best out of this bad situation.
My lack of intuition makes me feel so uneasy in myself.
All I want to do is tear myself apart completely and put myself back together.
All I want is to be free from all anxiety and find peace within my soul.

To confess entirely, this internal conflict is changing me.
It's tearing apart my sense of self.
I feel lost and I can't fight it.
It distracts me from life, keeps me dwelling.
I used to be scared that the next would have a lot to prove to me,
A lot to undo, sift through, put up with.
Well I know now that there is no next, there won't be.
But you know its me that has a lot to prove, a lot to undo, a lot to sift through.
I have a lot I have to do for myself and you might have to let me do that.

Now this all seems very dramatic for such a small situation but there's something you should know, you already do but you need to really ponder it for me.
Forgiveness is not the problem, forgetting is the hard part.  


Katro said...


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