Stupid little life; I love you.

I used to lay in bed wishing that life would just end without reason, and now that thought scares me beyond words.  I'm not sure if you would call it extreme depression, being a stupid teenager or growing up but I know that I never used to be like I am now.  It feels like in the last few years some things have really clicked in my brain. 

It feels like I should be feeling fucked right now.  My future is on hold for another year or so uni has told me.  Something in my mind just won't take no for an answer.  I don't think I have really believed it yet.  I'm not feeding off false hope, I have just dealt with my "situation" and by being alright with it and wanting something else so badly I have discovered millions of possibilities.  It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows mind you - I did cry... on the phone..... to my "other" and he had a lot of reassuring to do.  My biggest problem is that I don't want to get left behind in a heap, waiting for life to start when others are off seeing magical lands and coming home to their high paying jobs.

I have come to really realize the beauty of life, the beauty of things in general.  It really does feel like I'm Lester Burnham - no kidding.. except that I'm young.  I know I'm young and that I have time but I can't help but feel that that time is going to slip right through my fingers in the blink of an eye and tomorrow I will wake up and be 87.. and everything will be over.  But in actuality and with a rational mind set I know that I will soon have a career that will last longer than the time I have already lived.  I will have a family, a house, maybe some more tattoos and a cute little clinic.  Perhaps I'll be working in a children's hospital somewhere in the world or with pregnant women.  Who knows... i dont... but it will come sooner or later.

Tonight I meditated.  My ultimate meditation begins with music, dim lights, incence and layig on the floor.  I stay flat for about 5 minutes before stretching my entire body.  I usually end with yoga and then either read motivational books, books with scientific theories or look at photographs.  Its such a simple pleasure. 

Its late.  I keep getting hungry and my tattoo is itchy due to peeling. 
Goodnight world....